I Think I Sprained My Cliche

Spring training has arrived. Players are preparing to give 110% while staying within themselves. They won’t try to do too much… one day at a time, of course.

They’re busy people. It’s all very complicated; just try to stay with them. Here’s a quick rundown of what to look for this spring…

  • Will Venable is “standing taller in the batter’s box.” I tried that once; it didn’t work. Then again, I suck at baseball.
  • Ryan Ludwick “worked hard in the offseason” and is “in great shape.” I like this because it makes up for my own complete lack of effort.
  • Clayton Richard is working on his change-up and notes that “If you worry about preparing and winning, the numbers will fall into place.” What a delightful phrase; he’s good to go.
  • Casey Kelly is “trying to learn as much as possible and soak in as much as [he] can.” Screw learning; he should work hard, like Ludwick.
  • Tim Stauffer says he “was fortunate to get the opportunity to pitch in meaningful games” in 2010. Dude is still talking about last season. Be here now.
  • Chase Headley has tweaked his approach from the right side of the plate: “I’m trying to stay a little narrower, not so much in my stance but when I’m finishing in my stride.” I’m trying to stay a little narrower, too; here’s a tip: lay off the fried foods.
  • Gregg Zaun, attempting to come back from shoulder surgery, feels “great” and “tremendous,” which is better than I felt at his age. I hate him.
  • Brad Hawpe admits that he’s “going to make mistakes because that’s part of the game.” His first mistake? Admitting that he’s going to make mistakes.
  • Chad Qualls is “comfortable being in the National League West” and “wanted to come back here and get back to me being me,” which is a relief because identity theft is no laughing matter.
  • George Kontos speaks Greek. Wait, what? Okay, he also feels “ready” and “very prepared.” Phew.
  • Heath Bell believes that “you have the confidence that you can do it” even though “you may not be able to do it.” I’ve mangled his quote and the context enough, so no snappy one-liner for this one.
  • Mat Latos knows that “it’s going to be a grind, no matter what.” It’s like my uncle Ned always used to say: If life gives you a grind… I dunno, kid; I got nothing.
  • Aaron Harang feels “great,” so he’s right there with Ludwick and Zaun. You know how that makes me feel? Great.
  • Cameron Maybin… never mind, we already know too much about him.
  • Nick Hundley is “excited to see what we can do.” Well, except for Maybin.
  • Luke Gregerson thinks “we might be a little better than last year.” Kids… they’re so adorable.

I’m such an ass. What is my problem?

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11 Responses »

  1. If you only you had mangled more quotes and contexts.

  2. It’s early; give me a few weeks…

  3. Don’t worry Geoff, your mechanics are sound and you have never had a problem pitching out of a jam.

  4. The Qualls quote sounds like an existential issue. Like Arnold in Total Recall: “If I’m not me… then who the hell am I?”

  5. “I’m such an ass. What is my problem?”

    “Problem,” singular?


    Keep up the GREAT work, buddy!

  6. @chet: Thanks, man; I appreciate the vote of confidence.

    @AJM: That is such a great movie for quotes: “Give the people the air!”

    @Peter: Yeah, I was being modest.

  7. @AJM, GY

    If I reca….remember correctly, that movie occasioned a critic’s description of Sharon Stone as ineffably beautiful but effably talented.

  8. @GY It is quotable isn’t it. I was going to link to it but I thought it might be a violation of the Ducksnorts comment policy! Watching through the videos this morning changed my perspective on Total Recall… it may have more of a comedy than anything else.

    @TW …and Sharon Stone was ineffably beautiful.

  9. Truly classic post in every way.

  10. @TW: Oh, to be the writer who came up with that line. Brilliant.