Seventy-One Awful Potential Closer Songs

Chris Jaffe at Hardball Times recently identified 50 great potential closer songs. Thus inspired, I’ve compiled a list of 71 awful potential closer songs.

Why 71? Why not.

This is actually an updated version of our original list from ’06 with reader suggestions incorporated. Maybe we can add even more now and go for 100 next year.

Anyway, Heath Bell needs a song. Here are some he should avoid at all costs (in alphabetical order):

  1. “5 Million Ways to Kill a C.E.O.,” The Coup — But really, just one will suffice.
  2. “Abandon Ship,” Busta Rhymes — And take your stupid hope with you.
  3. “Baby Got Back,” Sir Mix A Lot (Chipmunks version) — Asses. Chipmunks. Baseball.
  4. “Billy Don’t Be A Hero,” Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods — Yeah? Well, my name’s not Billy, so there!
  5. “Birdman Kicked My Ass,” Wesley Willis — Actually, I would kill to hear Wesley Willis played at the ballpark.
  6. “The Bitch Is Back,” Elton John — Thank goodness, I was beginning to get worried.
  7. “Boom! There She Was,” Scritti Politti — Like “Whoomp, There It Is” but not.
  8. “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” Simon & Garfunkel — I will lay me down? Grammatical issues aside, this is not what you want to hear from your closer.
  9. “Carnival in Rio,” Heino — First we stun the opposition, then we go in for the kill.
  10. “Chim Chim Cher-ee,” Dick Van Dyke — Worst closer nickname ever: “The Chimney Sweep.”
  11. “Closer to Fine,” Indigo Girls — Just because “closer” is in the title doesn’t mean… oh, never mind.
  12. “Comfortably Numb,” Pink Floyd — I will dominate you… as soon as I wake from my stupor.
  13. “Creep,” Radiohead — Hey, aren’t we all weirdos?
  14. “Creep,” Stone Temple Pilots — Hey, aren’t we all half the men we used to be?
  15. “Desperado,” Eagles — Why don’t you come to your senses?
  16. “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me,” Culture Club — Oh, you have no idea.
  17. “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart,” Elton John/Kiki Dee — This one might actually work if he stormed in wearing Elton John’s glasses.
  18. “Don’t Let Me Down,” The Beatles — Seriously, don’t; that would, like, really suck.
  19. “Dust in the Wind,” Kansas — That’s all we are.
  20. “Feelings,” Morris Albert — For the sensitive closer.
  21. “Firestarter,” The Prodigy — Didn’t Ron Davis used to be called “Human Torch” or some such?
  22. “Hobophobic (scared of bums),” NOFX — Hey, who are you callin’ a bum?
  23. “I Can’t Wait,” Nu Shooz — That makes one of us.
  24. “I Will Survive,” Gloria Gaynor — Gee, I hope so.
  25. “If You Leave,” OMD — The world will be a better place?
  26. “It’s Not Unusual,” Tom Jones — But maybe it should be.
  27. “It’s Raining Men,” Weather Girls — I wouldn’t want to face a closer that used this as his entrance music; that is one confident dude.
  28. “Jingle Bells” (dogs barking) — Just the right amount of random.
  29. “Killing Me Softly With His Song,” Roberta Flack — Forget the song, how ’bout the slider?
  30. “Kiss Me,” Sixpence None the Richer — Uh, no.
  31. “Kiss on My List,” Hall & Oates — Seriously, no.
  32. “Knock Three Times,” Tony Orlando and Dawn — It could be three strikes or three outs… but it’s not.
  33. “Livin’ On A Prayer,” Bon Jovi — Oh, we’ve got big hair; oh, oh, livin’ on a prayer.
  34. “Lonesome Loser,” Little River Band — Hey, our old closer used AC/DC; let’s stick with the Aussie theme.
  35. “Loser,” Beck — Res ipsa loquitur.
  36. “MacArthur Park,” Richard Harris — I may be the only person in the world that actually likes this song.
  37. “Maneater,” Hall & Oates — Watch out boy, she’ll chew you up.
  38. “Mellow Yellow,” Donovan — Yellow is the color of cowards.
  39. “Mistakes,” Godsmack — Hey, we all make ‘em; ain’t no big thang.
  40. “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems,” Notorious B.I.G. — Most closers nowadays can relate to this sentiment.
  41. “Music Box Dancer,” Frank Mills — For extra style points, bring him in on an ice cream truck.
  42. “My Mind’s Playin’ Tricks on Me,” Geto Boys — It’s okay, just aim for the one in the middle.
  43. “Oh Mandy,” Barry Manilow — Are you man enough for Manilow?
  44. “On Your Side,” Pete Yorn — Um, actually you’re not on their side; they’re the opposition, m’kay?
  45. “Orinoco Flow,” Enya — If this doesn’t pump you up, then nothing will.
  46. “Poundcake,” Van Halen — Mmm, poundcake…
  47. “The Promise,” When in Rome — British synth pop is a horribly underrepresented genre when it comes to closer entrance songs.
  48. “Rico Suave,” Gerardo — So sexy!
  49. “Rivendell,” Rush — Okay, I’ll see your Gandalf and raise you two Frodos.
  50. “Roulette,” System Of A Down — Nobody cranks out the feel-good tunes like these guys.
  51. “Sabotage,” Beastie Boys — I’m thinking that even if this is your intent, you probably don’t want to announce it to the world before the fact.
  52. “The Safety Dance,” Men Without Hats — I can act like an imbecile… and you know I will.
  53. “Shiny Shiny,” Haysi Fantayzee — This one scores an 11 on the WTFometer.
  54. “Shoot Me Down,” Nick Cave — Those are some bad seeds.
  55. “Song Bird,” Kenny G — Baseball wasn’t a violent sport… until this blared through the PA.
  56. “Stroke,” Billy Squier — Ladies and gentlemen, we have a quadruple entendre.
  57. “Take My Breath Away,” Berlin — Victory by asphyxiation.
  58. “Talking in Your Sleep,” Romantics — Would you believe, muttering under your breath?
  59. “Tambourine Man,” William Shatner — If the hitters are laughing, they can’t do their job.
  60. “Taps” — A classic.
  61. “This Mess We’re In,” P.J. Harvey/Thom Yorke — Anything with Yorke in it is sure to brighten the mood.
  62. “TNT,” AC/DC — Watch him explode!
  63. “Too Shy,” Kajagoogoo — If there’s one quality you want in a closer, it’s shyness.
  64. “Wake Me Up before you Go-Go,” Wham! — On second thought, just let me sleep.
  65. “Waterloo,” ABBA — I’ve heard that Napoleon was a bit short on stuff.
  66. “What’s Up,” 4 Non-Blondes — That would be a baseball, flying toward the cheap seats; game over, thanks for playing.
  67. “When Will I Be Loved,” Linda Ronstadt — We’ll talk about that later; just get these guys out first.
  68. “White and Nerdy,” Weird Al — What big-league hitter wouldn’t be intimidated by the mere mention of Javascript?
  69. “Why Can’t We Be Friends,” War — Well, I can think of a few reasons.
  70. “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw,” Jimmy Buffet — Well, I can think of a few more reasons.
  71. “Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald,” Gordon Lightfoot — Because the love theme from Titanic would be cliche.

There you have it. Feel free to add to the list as you see fit…